Dear Stanford,

It has only been a year since I first set foot upon your attractive grounds, and yet I prepare to leave. I still remember that first day: Bright sunshine illuminated the sandstone and adobe buildings, warm air abetted my step, and the excitement of being a student at Stanford filled my heart. This daze was temporarily interrupted by the sight of a dumpster, with the word "Cal" spray painted on its side. A tear made its way down my cheek, a silent commemoration to the defiling of alma mater. Not all was fair and good in the land of palm trees and bicycles.

Yet with professional opportunities unrivaled, free food gracing every event and great PE classes to burn off all those calories, you are still a winner in my book. Plus you let me be a columnist; unloading the bowels of my mind upon the campus community. Speaking of which, I'd like to thank all of my readers, loyal or otherwise. Knowing that my work is actually read brings me unparalleled joy. Big ups to the haters, my most loyal fans. Who else takes the time to read through an entire piece, post up a comment online, and even cite pieces of my past work that I myself have forgotten?

As both a dirty Cal and Stanford student, I feel this is a good time to state winning points for each school. Stanford has a more peaceful, secluded campus with nicer running venues. There are better and more professional opportunities at Stanford. Getting housing is less of a hassle, same with getting into classes.

For many career paths, Cal has (much) better value for your money. With the space and freedom of apartments, partying is more fun and plentiful at Cal. Eating is also more enjoyable at Cal, especially when it's late at night and you're drunk.

Academically, both schools are even; the quality of your education is the same at both. There are no differences between the best and brightest at both schools.

Otherwise, both schools put too much energy into rivalry and not enough into companionship. I've said it once and I'll say it again<\p>--<\p>we should have a Big Hug, not a Big Game.

Therefore, I propose the creation of a new university, which synthesizes the best of both schools. It shall be called "Stankeley", not unlike the Outkast album "Stankonia". It shall be built halfway between both institutions, either in the neutral territory of San Francisco, or on an artificial island created in the bay. A giant obelisk, of a length greater than the sum of both the Campanile and Hoover Tower, shall be the dominant structure on campus. The school logo will picture a tree and a bear shaking hands. At the end of each day, mutual grooming and/or orgies will commence to facilitate social cohesion.

Go Stankeley, and Go Tree-Loving Bears!