“You don’t know who Jocasta is? That’s worse than not being able to parallel park.”

“It wasn’t a total shitshow, but it definitely fell somewhere on the shitshow spectrum.”

“It’s like a bad sci-fi movie. Or the Bible.”

“Are all the black marks on everyone’s foreheads because Obama lost in California?”

“There’s a wrinkle in the ointment. Yes, a fly in the wrinkle!”

“What? I totally brush my teeth, Mom. This conversation is over.”

“Actually, one perk of staying up this late is watching The Daily get delivered and then smelling it. I love doing that.”

“I used to lie on my bed reading Penguin Classics and thinking I was more sensitive than other people.”

“He lived on far beyond the time when it would have been advantageous for him, as a career move, to have died.”

“I thought I was going to be soo stupid when I got here. And then I realized everyone in IHUM was two evolutionary steps above drool.”

“This is a see-me-after-class question. In other words, I don’t know.”

“I think my mom pretty much accepts that we study literature in college.”

“I don’t want to prompt anyone to do harm to themselves after my class. That would be embarrassing.”

“I’m cracking under the stress of being a virgin.”

“I knew you were about to say that. That’s why I didn’t call on you.”

“You can’t be interesting if it also has to be accurate.”

“Dude I just spent $1,000 at WalMart.”

“I’m not emo, I just ran out of shirts.”

“Don’t be so eager to answer when you’re that wrong.”

“Your superego is there. Reading your email.”

“I would never wake up my sister with a latex glove. Never mind a colored one!”

“I find it almost nauseatingly vomitous.”

“So I wrote to my mom in LOLcats…”

“I hope it was good for you. Public restroom good.”

“Hi, ProFros!”

“Do you think these scissors are clean enough to eat with?”

“Very timid. Very Stanford. Come on guys, we’re human beings, not robots.”

“Ownage runs in my family.”

“The whole course is the dark side of the course.”

“That was bitch. Hey, did you like how I took out the article there?”

“He gonna come after you tonight in your dreams, girl.”

“We’re all sort of housewives at a certain level.”

“Even if someone seriously transgresses – like Hitler, for instance…”

“A forum for discussion where you can use emoticons. What are your parents paying for?”

“The technical term is sheeple.”

“It’s like drinking tea after you’ve been weaned on Irish whiskey.”