Satanists of Stanford University, unite! From today forward, we shall no longer lie in the shadows. Standing against the backdrop of White Plaza, an enormous banner reads “may the love of SATAN be with you.” The name “Jesus” has been crossed out, and SATAN has, very cleverly, been placed above it on a new piece of paper.

The fact that it was hung as part of Stanford’s anti-intolerance Diversity Week campaign is but a clever ruse: our agenda is now in the public light. This is a work of pure genius. It may seem small, but it surely portends greater evil to come. At first we have one-word substitutions on campus posters. But then, when the word has gotten out, we can openly disembowel sheep and study their entrails in White Plaza — which won’t be so white when we’re through with it. Bwahahahahaha.

This sends an undeniably powerful message to the Stanford community — we Satanists are an intelligent group with a viable presence at Stanford and a lot of interesting things to say. In our gloriously evil act, we have shocked and awed the populace into recognizing our legitimacy. It is only a matter of time before we have our own ethnic-themed dorm and Satanists Cultural Club. After all, no one pays any attention to those special fee request petitions anyway.

Yes, Stanford, there is a new religious force on campus, and we are hell-bent on raising hell (within the legal limits of the state of California and the city of Palo Alto, of course). We are the epitome of badass, nestled as we may be in the suburbs of Northern California. Our Hot Topic jeans are a stark black contrast to the bright spring sky. Our pentagram necklaces, with the goat-god Baphomet embossed upon them, are a symbol to the world that we mean business. And our dyed black hair is a portal to our dark, black souls.

As we hold our next meeting, housed in the dark grotto that is the lower west stacks of Stanford’s Green Library, we will have much on our plates. (I should note that we have been kicked out of our previous weekly meeting spot, the Axe and Palm, because our leader has decided that he doesn’t like crepes). What fiendish acts will we commit next? As our ancestors have done for centuries, we will continue to put red food coloring in the fountains during Big Game Week — for red is the color of blood!

Provided the University staff allows us to, we will also create storms of hellfire to rain down upon passing bikers near Meyer Library. We will evilly climb the stairs to reach the roof, and from there we will throw down symbolic red and yellow confetti. Red and yellow because, even though real fire doesn’t really have red and yellow in it so much, this is the way people typically draw fire on paper.

Perhaps we will continue to change pivotal words on campus flyers, ruining their message and exalting our own. DKE’s “DEKEs of the Amazon” will become “SATAN of the Amazon,” Stanford Gospel Choir will now be presenting SATAN Extravaganza 2008 and people looking for TheHappyZork.com will be redirected to TheHappySATAN.com. BWAHAHAHHA!!!!

Actually the word “Stanford” itself is only one letter away from SATANford. Use this to your advantage. All it takes is the addition of a single letter on a poster, and you have instantly (and cruelly) ruined the message of almost any organization that states our school name.

Oh yes, we are a powerful force to be reckoned with. If there is any doubt of this, you guys should totally check out my bike. It’s jet black, and it has flames on it. It’s soooo cool, and my mom agrees (and she doesn’t think ANYTHING is cool!). You should also see the papier-mache animal head mask that I made a couple days ago. It’s got five layers of newspaper on it. My roommate helped me make it too, and he’s an arts major. A Dark Arts major.

If you would like to find out more, we’re having an info session in which blood will be served as refreshment (actually just hot chocolate with food coloring in it) in Green’s south stacks this Saturday. It starts around 8, because I’ve got yogalates until 7:50, but at exactly 8, we will begin the mayhem! Bring your papier-mache animal heads and we welcome any new ideas you have to spread our devious message across campus — and beyond.

Nat would like to really emphasize here that he is not actually a Satanist. This info meeting is not really happening. But he’d be happy to meet you there anyway and check out what kind of wackos actually do show up. Email him to set up an appointment at nat.hillard@stanford.edu.