Roxy (and hopefully your sexual partner/s) loves you the way you are and thinks you’re absolutely perfect. But let’s face it: Even when we think we have the science of sex down to a well-lubed machine, sometimes hook-ups don’t go perfectly. Yes, even Roxy has woken up the occasional Sunday morning beating herself up (ooh! aah!) over what went wrong the night before. To help you achieve Sex Deity status in the new year, Roxy shares her rock-hard-earned experience with a few common coital contretemps.

You Don’t Have a Condom

This is an easy one. Repeat after Roxy: If you don’t have a condom, don’t have sex, dumbass. But Roxy, what if he swears he doesn’t have any STDs? Don’t have sex without a condom. What if we’re both virgins, so we don’t have anything to give to each other? Don’t have sex without a condom. What if I’m on the pill, so I definitely won’t get pregnant? Don’t have sex without a damn condom (although kudos to you for rocking the birth control).

There are tons of great things to do with a ready and willing partner that will not put your STD- and child-free status in jeopardy: leave him wanting more with a killer old-school make-out session; show him how you like to be touched (for next time!) through mutual masturbation; beat his pants off in Scrabulous. And always always carry a condom next time you think you might be getting some. The SHPRC lube’n’tube room might as well come in handy for something.

Something’s ... Not Quite Right

Ladies, this is a freebie: If you occasionally get a sudden stabbing sensation every time your male partner penetrates, put your gyno on hold for a second — you might just need to pee. The shape of a woman’s reproductive organs shifts during arousal, and having a near-full bladder can hurt like hell. Especially if you’re a few red cups in, make sure to pee before hopping in bed (or closet, floor, desk chair...). Also, if you can possibly generate this much fluid, always always pee after sex to lower your risk of urinary tract infections by flushing cum and bacteria out of the vagina. After foreplay and penetration, peeing is basically the most important part of sex. (But if it doesn’t reduce sharp pains or burning sensation after sex then, um, get your gyno back off hold.)

He Won’t Fit Into Me!

After he slips on his Trojan, pairs (or trios or romantic rhombi...) can still have a hard time getting things started. If his cock is too big — Roxy likes them big, but look, you can’t fit a whale into a mailbox — then three simple words: lube lube lube. Apply a water-based lubricant (Astroglide is the standard for a reason) and, if the recipient is a woman, give your tongue a workout to make sure she is sufficiently aroused so the vagina will fully lubricate itself. For a hetero pairing, go slowly at the woman’s comfort level, choosing positions that allow her to control the depth and speed of penetration: woman-on-top and reverse cowgirl are ideal for this. For both genital and anal sex, try side-by-side positions where the recipient’s legs are close together, which prevents full (painful) penetration.

For anal sex, the only way to get more comfortable is practice. Use fingers or small toys (Roxy did all her holiday shopping at Good Vibrations in San Francisco) to get your partner used to the feeling of being penetrated. Once they’re used to it, they will start to relax and find it pleasurable.

Opposite problem? Penis is too small to feel good? Roxy says you’re just not trying hard enough: There are tons of positions that allow deep penetration so you can get the most out of his (wrapped) package. Doggy-style is great for any pair; a guy and girl should also try a modified missionary-style, where the girl rests her ankles on the guy’s shoulder, allowing for extremely deep penetration.

Maybe He’s Just Not That Into Me...?

Even though they seem like equal and opposite problems, Roxy has noticed that premature ejaculation and the male partner losing an erection generally have the same results: two pissed-off, embarrassed people laying back-to-back in bed, scowling at the walls. This is ridiculous: you’re both naked and a few minutes ago and you were really into each other, so what’s the effin’ problem?

The most important thing to do in this situation is also the hardest: Don’t be mad at your partner. Loss of arousal in men and women can be caused by basically anything: stress, nervousness, too much alcohol, repressed childhood memories, whatever. The one thing it is almost definitely not caused by is randomly deciding sweaty mid-hook-up that your partner is a complete troll. So don’t take it as a personal insult. (And premature ejaculation? Basically a huge compliment, Roxy thinks.)

Roxy has always thought it was completely bogus that sex is measured in male orgasms, anyway. If your partner isn’t in the mood or can’t seem to get things together, then whatever, go on without him (or her) — clear your mind, rub on a little lube and give yourself the worship you deserve. If the sound of your pre-orgasmic snuffling turns them on enough to get them back in the game? Great. If it doesn’t? Great. You were out to get some action, and you did, from a totally hot partner with whom you should be completely in love: yourself. Plus, you probably won’t have to make yourself wear a condom.

So here’s to a great 2008 filled with sweaty romps and not too many morning-after WTFs. Master this stuff and, who knows, you might just end up teaching Roxy a few killer moves.