“You put a lot of strain on my battery, honey.”

“It didn’t seem any more ridiculous than the other things we’ve been reading.”

“He was obsessed with breasts!”

“The guy going on about a ‘rigid member’ should consider the power of words.”

“What would happen if you lived entirely on a diet of aborted fetuses?”

“Spring Break is a very sober time.”

“What does the scientist do to Nature? He penetrates her in her inner chambers, that’s what.”

“I was drunk. Everyone else was drunk, too, but everyone else was like 19.”

“We could have a whole series of lectures on how I broke up with this girl. It was epic. When I was done, she thanked me.”

“I know you guys don’t believe half the shit I say, but that’s OK. I talk a lot, so it’s good odds, right?”

“Me getting into a good school is the best thing that ever happened to YOU.”

“It’s never as nasty as I want it to be.”

“Do you have really shitty insurance?”

“I have Stanford insurance...”

“Do you guys want to watch the awkward sex scene?”

“No, I’ve seen the real-life version.”

“I think every girl needs a moderately violent male figure in her life.”

“A Facebook relationship status, or a wedding ring, really creates a bond...”

“I wanna make this as uncomfortable as possible.”

“I took the bull by the horns and said we can’t talk anymore. And then we talked last night...”

“I see those away messages when paper time comes around. Someone’s like, ‘This paper sucks!’ and I’m like, ‘OK, I’ll grade it with that in mind.’”

“I agree; oral is an interesting aspect...”