Boba, pearl milk tea, bubble tea ... whatever you might call it, this dreamy mixture of tea, milk, sugar, and tapioca balls has sustained many a youth in areas with dense Asian populations for centuries (20th and 21st). Yet, unless one travels to the beverage’s birthplace of Taiwan, it’s damn near impossible to find a consistently pleasant pearl milk tea experience in this world. Yes, there is Verde in Mountain View with its strong Stanford following, but even this establishment has its faults.

You can never seem to get boba just right, no matter where you go. Sometimes the bubble tea won’t have much flavor, leaving you more with boba-flavored water than anything else. Occasionally the ingredients that comprise the boba are horrible to begin with, and don’t taste any better when mixed together. Other times, the pearls will be too hard, or again, not very flavorful.

But this drink isn’t even difficult to make: it involves the simple mixing of standardized quantities of powder and water, or tea, milk and flavoring. So how is it screwed up, time and time again? Why can’t people just import some key ingredients from Taiwan and mix them properly? I’ve grown so frustrated over this that I’ve decided to personally shake up the bubble tea scene. As a boba connoisseur, I will share with you my vision of pearl milk tea, and set the standard for the industry.

When I make my first million, in whatever currency it may be, I’m going to open up my own chain of boba stores: Pearl Milk Ziv. However, before this happens, I will go out and get my boba credentials, the Ph.D of Pearl Milkology. I will travel to Taiwan to seek out the wisest pearl milk tea master, the boba equivalent of Pai Mei, that old Chinese guy in Kill Bill 2 with an elaborate moustache and legendary Kung Fu skills. As I train night and day to perfect my boba skills, I will also find and befriend the best suppliers of boba powders, teas, and other crucial ingredients. Thereafter, I will triumphantly return to the United States with a steady supply of top-quality boba ingredients and a mastery of their use.

From there, I will make the most delicious and consistent boba in the world to sell in stores with unforgettable ambiances. Machines will dispense the necessary ingredients in precise amounts so employees can’t screw it up. I will never put ice in your drink after it has been created, so the flavor remains undiluted. However, I will strive to deliver a properly chilled drink, either by pre-cooling the ingredients or subjecting the drink to only fleeting contact with ice.

Traditional boba, however, is not the only thing Pearl Milk Ziv will deliver. I’ll make boba sweetened with Splenda, for those trying to watch their calories. Five percent alcohol boba for the in-crowd. Carbonated boba. You know the plastic-sealed top on some boba drinks that you poke a hole through with your straw? It will feature people’s faces, from celebrities to your friends, so you can poke a hole through them as well.

I mentioned spectacular surroundings for your boba experience. Each store will be heavily themed, like a Rain Forest Cafe on crack. Bulls-eye targets will be featured in the store, allowing you to perfect your straw/blowdart pearl launching skills. Sometimes your pearl milk tea will be created with Vegas bartender-style flourish — extravagant throws, catches, spins, and bursts of flame will all be part of the repertoire.

Yes, I realize I’m a white man talking about an Asian drink, but aside from the fact that discrimination is wrong, my ethnicity is a non-issue for several reasons. First, I grew up in Cupertino, where my high school was 70 percent Asian, so culturally I’m as Asian as the next guy. Second, I’m Israeli, and since Israel is geographically located in the continent of Asia (the Middle East is not considered a continent), that also makes me Asian. Third, I will put up the picture of my Taiwanese boba master in every store, so as to create the illusion that this elderly Chinese man is behind your boba. Lastly, pearl milk tea encompasses all colors of the world, from taro purple to almond white. If the drink doesn’t hate, then neither should you.

So embrace my pale skin and drink my concoction. I promise you won’t be let down. I don’t want to turn a profit from these stores. The only thing I want to see is people of all races, sitting down together time and time again, enjoying a cup of that apparently simple but elusive elixir of deliciousness.