Last week I requested that people send me, your resident Cal expert, any questions or comments they have about their beautiful rival school, in the spirit of the Big Game. Here is a selection of some of the questions and comments I received, with my responses.

It only seems fitting that you are a dirty Cal student, as that school yields nothing more than a derelict collection of unwashed masses.

It’s true — we are indeed unwashed. This is because Cal students, to preserve our exquisite skin, actually take dust baths, like chinchillas. Bathing ourselves in fine volcanic ash, we remove excess oil and moisture from our skin, while also protecting ourselves from lice and mites. We eschew the traditional practice of washing not because we are unclean vermin, but because we care about the quality of our skin, as washing is an excessively harsh treatment. Feel the difference for yourself — next time you see me, rub a finger along an exposed part of my skin, and experience the silky smooth exterior of a Cal student.

What’s the best way to kill a Cal student — silver bullet to the heart, crucifix to the heart, or intravenous injection of a highly concentrated garlic solution?

Direct methods are always good, and a shot to the heart would most effectively accomplish this. I would advise against using silver, however, as it has antimicrobial properties, thus lessening the chance that your victim in question will die from an infection if the bullet doesn’t kill them. While Cal students are vampire-like, and thus have an aversion to garlic, an injection of the substance may not deliver a lethal blow, leaving you with an enraged but flavorful Cal student on your hands. On full examination, Cal students tend to be an un-pious lot, so striking them down with the wrath of G-d may be best. A crucifix it is!

Which school has more attractive people: Stanford or Cal?

In absolute numbers, you will probably find more attractive people at Cal than at Stanford. And some argue that Cal students are objectively hotter — there have been some articles about how Stanford students have less sex than other university students, and maybe it’s because you find less people you want to have sex with =( . But I’m very pleased with what I see around Stanford campus, and Stanford students seem to be more physically fit than Cal students.

GO F*%$ YOURSELVES STANFORD MOTHERF%@&#*$.

Right on, brother.

Why are Cal students so much more into the rivalry between the two schools?

I agree, Cal students generally do take it more seriously than intended. With all of the vilifying of Stanford students that takes place, you would think that y’all are demonspawn whose presence taints and corrupts the earth, on par with people convicted of crimes against humanity. The Rally Committee at Cal is especially bad — some of those people would probably sacrifice themselves to the gods if it meant stopping a Stanford sporting victory.

You know why Cal students put so much energy into the rivalry? Because they want some attention. For whatever reason they are feeling unloved, so do a good deed at this year’s Big Game and give a Cal student a hug.

Which side are you cheering for this year, Ziv?

This Big Game I’m actually donning red and cheering Stanford on. This is my current school, so I will show my appreciation. In my heart, I do love the Bears, but the Stanford crowd is much more pleasant to be around. Why does there have to be a rivalry, anyways? Can’t we just set our differences aside, look past the color of our shirts, and engage in some inter-school loving?