I have prepared a commencement speech in the event that Mr. Brokaw calls in sick. I’m no Katie Couric, which hopefully means I’ll be a welcomed replacement.

Welcome to Stanford, parents, friends and alumni. I hope your trip here was pleasant. Unfortunately, due to construction, I know many were disappointed that we had to redirect parking from near Palm Drive to just outside of Redwood City. The university assures us though that these buildings will be completed by 2040. That’s just in time for your grandkids to apply! Pause for applause.

In my time at Stanford, there are certain ideals that I believe have embodied my personal experience. If you don’t mind, I’d like to share them with you. Take sip from water cup, make eyes at cute blond in front.

First of all, I’d like to talk to you about resourcefulness. What I mean is, there is a certain time of the year, that if you play your cards right, you can absolutely corner the used furniture racket. Every entering freshman purchases practical, cheap Ikea brand futons. By the end of their four years, the graduating senior only sees the memories of drunken hookups with their TA, the time they broke up with their I-Hum TF, etc. The student wants the futon now as much Oasis wants to have their own reality show. Apparently, students taking Goldman Sachs internships don’t need futons or their refrigerator. At Goldman Sachs, you do not sleep. You do not eat. You are the future of investment banking. Now go make me coffee, bitch intern.

Sensitivity. I don’t just mean when you go to strip clubs, it takes “sensitivity” to realize that throwing Sacagawea dollars at the strippers isn’t preferred. In business, I’ve learned that my customers demand high quality futons and refrigerators, and thus I will probably at my own convenience throw some Febreze on the futons before I sell them. Listening is also an important aspect of business. I listen when my customers say “what’s that smell?” and I’ll tell them “money.”

I’ve also learned to listen to my readers. When they say “you are a bigot/against religious freedom/prejudiced towards specific groups,” what they mean is “you’ve made fun of my group and I’m going to ignore the fact that after 80 columns, you’ve made fun of basically everyone. I’m going to ignore it because I lack a sense of humor.”

Dynamicisim. For the youngsters in the crowd, I want to offer you some advice. While you could invite your family to graduation to thank them for all of the money they spent on your education, why not start paying them back now by selling their tickets? At Stanford, I’ve learned a great deal about supply and demand. Tickets are in high demand these days, and how are the cops going to tell one kid in a black clad robe from another? How are they going to know which one is scalping tickets? Here’s a hint: It’ll be the one laughing his way to a successful business future.

Discovery. At Stanford, I’ve learned to expand my mind. I mean, I don’t do drugs. But every time I go to Columbae or EBF I always have great conversations with people. Like just last week, we spent three hours discussing whether French astronauts would be called Hugonauts. Every time I go, they put on that magic fog machine, burn some good incense and play some really groovy tunes. I always leave with peace of mind and for some reason, the munchies. Before you and your parents go, take the entire family to one of these events.

Resourcefulness. Sensitivity. Dynamicism. Discovery. Most of all, Stanford has afforded me important Power Point presentation skills that center on cliche words. This will serve me well in my future career in middle management. Thank you, and congratulations seniors. Your futons will help me build my future.

At this point in his speech, Chris would sign the shocker and bolt before security caught him. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu.