Hi readers. This is Chris Holt’s hung-over roommate. You may have seen him refer to me in many of his columns. This week, I thought I’d give Chris a break, let him learn how to tie a tie and write his column. Don’t worry, I’ll try to write in his style so you’re not confused. Actually, I’m well acquainted with Chris’ style, because for every column you people read, I get to read three and tell Chris which one is the best. Instead of “reading” in the traditional sense, I usually line the bottom of our hamster’s cage with all three, and I tell Chris to print whichever one has the most poop after a day.

Let’s see... Intro paragraph. This is usually where Chris talks about a random current event in today’s world. He tries to give you the bare facts so you can pretend you know what he’s talking about for the rest of the column, even if you’re clueless. I have no clue where Chris digs up those sensationalized human interest stories he calls “news,” so let’s just stick with something simple: The recent Law School Library Crisis. Yes. It’s a Crisis. The Stanford Law School recently decided to not allow undergraduates in the Law library during finals because it was too crowded and law students didn’t have enough space. Good. All caught up?

In the next section, Chris usually takes a stance on the issue from paragraph one, although you’re not sure if he actually believes what he’s saying. Here I go: I think it’s great that the Law School has dealt with the lack of space so efficiently and decisively. As a whole, Stanford undergraduates are always trying to go places and do things they shouldn’t. I’m really tired of all those sketchy undergrads going to grad parties and hitting on older women. You would hope that eventually they would learn, but every time they show up and make everyone else uncomfortable. Now, undergrads want to push their way into the Law library. Really, it’s just another example of undergrads crossing boundaries they shouldn’t.

Then, Chris gets even more radical with his viewpoint: The only way we can keep undergrads in their proper place is by separating and locking all students in corners of campus that reflect their area of study. We could lock humanities students in Green Library, engineers in the Engineering Quad and of course the Law students in the Law School. I suppose I could statistically figure out the percentage of the Stanford population that should be allowed to use each space, but since I’m not on Facebook, I have no clue how I would do the research.

Now Chris starts saying things that just don’t make sense and that only he finds funny: I advocate moving the Law School to the middle of Lake Lag on a Viking funeral pyre and setting it on fire. That way, no more undergrads could steal the precious resources contained within. Alternatively, we could airlift the rest of campus into the foothills and convert half of the buildings into barns for horses and cows. Freshmen could arrive during orientation and awkwardly walk in on Farmer Jon milking Bessie.

ATTENTION READER: Most people send Chris an angry email after reading this far into his column. They don’t realize that he was using some sort of literary device to get his overall point across. If you write him an email now, you will look stupid. Seriously. I’ve seen some of the goofy stuff you guys have written. Read to the end.

Now, the conclusion. This is where Chris uses his radical views in the above paragraphs to get to his point. If you read this section, you may learn something: The Law School Library Crisis can be boiled down to Stanford students, undergrads and grads alike, not respecting the needs of others. Sure, the Law library is nice, but if law students need it for a couple of weeks out of the year, everyone else should be courteous and let them use it. Embrace your sense of community. Go ahead. Give your neighbor a hug.

I’m going to go find something to get rid of this splitting headache I’ve had all morning. More bourbon should do the trick.

Chris probably cares what you thought of this column. I don’t. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu.