This column was originally published May 17, 2005. In light of recent events, the author feels it is still pertinent to life on campus — it’s not just because he’s being lazy.

Alright, that does it. I’m tired of these ceaseless “debates” that are nothing more than one group talking at the other, spewing venom without making any head way. Our campus has been in an uproar over this last week; things have been tenser than a Newsweek editors’ meeting.

I’m talking, of course, about the annoying debate between the Ninjas and the Pirates. Last week was the beginning of Ninja Respect Month and also Pirate Pride Week, a scheduling conflict that is equivalent to hosting a presidential address the same night as the World Series.

Although The Daily reported about Ninja Pride Week, the Pirates were remarkably absent in the press. When I went to White Plaza, though, all I saw was Pro-Pirate demonstrations. The Pirates had planned a “Blackpearl Remembrance Day” that happened to coincide with Ninja Week. Both groups held rallies peacefully, but their sentiments were about as peaceful as an A’s fan-base.

It all centers on what happened several decades ago. The Pirates and the Ninjas had an altercation that they to this day, are still fighting about. Something about a pirate wench they both claimed, I dunno. She’s pretty old now, bruised and rough. But they are still fighting over her.

No, instead of flipping out and killing everyone as an unstoppable partnership that would leave robots, chickens, and robot chickens in fear, they remain divided. Unfortunately, despite our progressive-minded university’s best intentions, no one has curbed this hatred. While both groups speak of “pride” for their group and claim that they want “peace,” such statements always prelude bashing the other group. Being pro-Ninja means that you condone Ninja killings of Pirates, or that you are Anti-Piratical. It’s them or us. You can’t show pride in being a Pirate or a Ninja without then saying how “the Ninjas are yellow-bellied bastards” or “the Pirates lack honor or good hygiene.”

I’m tired of the scare tactics, too. Both sides try to play to our sympathies by depicting the horror of the other side. Posters and ads about ritualistic seppuku and walking the plank get grim after a while. As I walked around campus this last week, I felt really irritated. Both were claiming the others were saying hate-speech, but they turned a blind eye, or eye-patch, to their own group’s hateful words.

Captain Bluebeard of the Piratical Pride group spoke last week, giving a keynote speech in White Plaza: “Yarr, a pirate’s life for me.” The crowds of Pirates in the audience, wooden-legged, swash-buckling and parroted, all cheered. The comment was shortly followed by, “The Ninjas are murderous, treacherous bastards.” This too received cheers, and the hisses of disagreement from the black-clad forms of the Ninjas.

The Ninjas, for their part, were doing traditional Ninja demonstrations: guitar solos. But when asked about the anti-Ninja statements made by the Pirate Captain, Black DeathShadow said: “Honestly, I’m hurt. We’re trying to celebrate the first great guitar solo of our forefathers and here they are picking a fight with us. Not cool.” He then executed a triple flip before disappearing into the shadows.

While violence between the two groups has not occurred as of yet, tensions are on the rise. Every year the campus becomes divided over the issue, and every year the student population forgets about it for the other 11 months out of the year. Some pessimists (and visual effects artists) just want to see them have at it in a fantastical display of martial arts, swordplay and nun-chucks. But personally, I think the two groups can settle their differences through peaceful means.

This will start with each group agreeing to stop hiring outside speakers to incite near riots every other week. Why, during Ninja Pride Week, do the Ninjas feel the need to bring in a former Pirate Wench who now hates Pirates? How does that aide the dialogue? It shouldn’t then be a surprise when the Pirates hire an equally vehement anti-Ninja speaker who considers Ninja “war-mongers” and “wack guitar players.”

I think both groups have valid concerns. I also think both will probably want me dead after writing this column. I just think that at a certain point they should be able to talk to each other, stop making broad sweeping statements about the other groups and realize they both have things in common: they are total bad-asses and can pick up babes like dude, you don’t even know.

Chris should probably say something bad about The Review because this is Adam Bad Wound’s column. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu.