Now that TomKitty’s offspring has been born, Scientology is once again in the news. Suri, which means “rose, princess and edible grub found in the Amazon” was born a couple of weeks ago. Welcome to the news, Suri, we’ll see you again in about 20 years when you drunkenly punch a bouncer in the face and enter rehab.

If you think about it, Scientologists would probably not be pleased with Stanford. Stanford is one of the nation’s leading schools in the studies of psychology and psychiatry. Scientologists believe that psychiatry is evil and have opened a museum claiming that it is an “industry of death.” They believe psychiatrists actually kill more people than they help, kind of like medieval barbers or Dear Abby.

I’m sure they would be appalled at a class like Dr. Dement’s Sleep and Dreams, a class which suggests there are psychological disorders that can be treated by medications. I imagine Scientologists would likely devote an entire wing of their psychiatry museum to the class, “The Big Sleep and Dreams” and “Sleep and Death” are my nominees for its name.

Scientologists believe that psychiatrists are part of a conspiracy to take over the world, an infinitely more boring idea for a Dan Brown novel. Scientologists also contest that psychiatrists have no proof their medications actually work. They would, therefore, likely throw Jenna Elfman up on the screen and have her argue that Dr. Dement’s examples of restless leg syndrome patients are actually persons who can’t reach their full potential or are being disrupted by the disembodied souls of former volcano victims. Treating them with medications would be silly, while believing that they are being haunted by disembodied Thetan spirits would make more sense. Isn’t she adorable?

I was so scared when I first heard that Dr. Dement was evil that I didn’t sleep for days for fear that he could reach me in my dreams. Now on day four of no sleep, Scientology is making a lot more sense. Scientologists believe that psychiatrists are bent on taking over the world. At about hour 85 of no sleep, I realized that dentists want South America. Also, there is a ringing in my head where The Man is trying to drill for grapefruit juice.

What I find so scary is that I sat through Dement’s class and actually believed his cheery comments, funny anecdotes and well articulated “facts.” It never occurred to me that when he said drowsiness is red alert, he was really trying to brainwash us into becoming part of the conspiracy. That KFC he gave us? It was laced with something, I bet. I think his T-shirt can stare into my mind until his cadre of sleep police get here and take away the can opener I’ve been using to keep my roommate at bay.

Dement’s class usually has over 700 people in it. Think of it, man, that’s another 700 people who claim to help people get a good night’s sleep and be healthy, but are actually agents of Emperor Xenu, bent on taking over the world and killing everyone that gets in their way! With electroshock therapy! And narcoleptic dogs!

Holy narcoleptic Ninja! Stanford has a psychology major! Psychology majors often go on to become psychiatrists! We actually have people majoring in death! We allow people to be trained to participate in this false science instead of reaching their full potential, one cash payment of 30 grand at a time.

And think of the women! They may make noises during childbirth. Loud noises that could upset the baby! Why aren’t they learning from Katie Holmes, that belle of “Batman Begins” who had a “silent birth?” I’m sure Tom was jumping for joy about that. Until the hospital workers restrained him. And though they tried to sedate him, his lawyer wouldn’t allow it because he doesn’t believe in drugs like that. So instead they just humanely bashed him over the skull with something hard and dull — like the script to the latest “Mission Impossible.” Which is why he couldn’t make it to talk today, kids.

In my sleep-deprived state, maybe I, too, will found a religion. It will include references to galactic emperors trying to blow up human souls using volcanoes, and I’ll target something silly to be against, like carbohydrates and zebras. Join now, folks — with every donation you make, you’ll be that much closer to slandering progress and diverting national attention to yourself. Sleep well, my followers, while my madness in insomnia makes me believe that Dr. Dement’s T-shirt is talking to me. It’s telling me that Scientology is corduroy alert.

Chris is building a religion. He’s building it bigger and he’s living comfort eagle. Salutes to Dr. Dement. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu