I gotta hand it to the roommate — sometimes he has great ideas. He’s the one who suggested I write on the current crisis U.S. zoos are facing with China’s pandas.

During the Cold War, U.S. zoos leased pandas from China as a sign of “good will.” World leaders thought sending pandas to foreign countries and having them make hot panda love for the amusement of children would help bring world peace. Obviously, this didn’t work. Now, U.S. zoos are complaining because they can’t pay the millions of dollars to keep them here.

Personally, I think if pandas can’t be humiliated for my entertainment purposes, they aren’t worthy of space in a zoo. But that is why I’m not in charge of diplomacy. Or zoos. Pandas, it seems, are little furry diplomats. Of course, these pandas are some of the stupidest animals ever. They can’t even have sex. So China gave us impotent pandas. Thanks China. Here, we’ll give you this three-legged dog in return. Personally, I believe you should fire someone who is paid for sex and doesn’t perform. But instead of shoving them out of our speeding vehicle, U.S. zoos keep paying them in hopes that they’ll eventually get it on. Pandas, when abstinent, are a big attraction it seems. Anna Nicole Smith: not so much.

Roommate: “If we send the pandas back to China, maybe they’ll learn from the Chinese population how to have sex.”

Overpopulation jokes aren’t funny, nameless roommate. I’d prefer to be on the good side of the most populace country in the world, so I can receive nice contracts — like Google. I’m not willing to compromise my morals though. I would never reveal that my roommate lives at 687 Escondido Road Room 417 (outer room) and has a long list of exploitable fears.

Maybe China won’t buy my attempt at diplomatic relations. The pandas don’t seem to be working well either. But maybe we could send other animals to foreign countries in hopes of bridging fissures in foreign policy. “Panda Diplomacy” can be replaced with other cute animals to foster world peace.

Iran, for instance, can have a nice shipment of wolverines. The “teddy bear” of the Americas, the cuddly wolverines are often great pets. They love being placed in sacks, poked a bit, and then purring against your face. They are America’s gift to the president of Iran. Remember: wolverines are domestic pets and often get lonely. They like being kept by your unguarded bedside.

North Korea gets a jackalope. Now I know what you are saying, “I’ve never seen a jackalope.” Well I’ve never seen Kim Jung Il score a perfect 18 on a golf course either. While North Korea can claim imaginary things like “democracy” and “human rights,” we can further the bullshit-fest by sending them a bunny rabbit with antlers. You want to play imaginary games, North Korea? Then you’re getting jackalopes, unicorns and rabbits that lay eggs.

Ireland gets Texas’s snakes. You like that Ireland? Yeah. That’s right, we’re tired of your bragging that some saint killed all the snakes in Ireland. Now you’re getting a whole shipload of Texas’s best diamondbacks. This will hopefully take you arrogant pricks, with your green beer and your patron saint, and put you in your place. This will also piss off those crazy Texans who annually have a, get this — rattle snake roundup. They gather snakes, and then eat them. So, venomous snakes: edible treat. Same sex marriage: dangerous threat. Ireland, would you accept our hospitable gift of the population of Texas as well?

I bet you are asking, well, with all these various animals being exported out of the United States, what will nations send to us in return? Based on our inability to find WMDs, some feel that sending crow for the president to eat would be a fitting gift. Others may send a donkey, both suggesting the view other nations have of him, and an allusion to the Democrats recent electoral successes. But I think the best act of good will and good humor would be if the nations of the world send the president an animal we already know he clearly represents: a wounded mallard, or rather, a lame duck.

Chris built this entire column around that last tired joke. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu.