Notre Dame’s president has reversed his previous denunciation of the show and has decided to allow “The Vagina Monologues” on campus. I write this column while wearing a party hat. He disagrees with some of its portrayals of sex and thinks some of the show’s content runs in direct conflict with the Catholic mission of the University. Feminism, homosexuality and sex before marriage, some may argue, also run in direct conflict with the mission of a Catholic university.

But honestly, it is a university where students do have sex, where women are empowered, where homosexuality exists. I believe that college is the best place to open up discussion on such subjects. If not at a university, where else should “The Vagina Monologues” be performed? Personally I wasn’t a big fan of my elementary school’s rendition of the show. The fifth grade version of the dominatrix was hardly convincing and seven-year-old Benny Turner’s declaration of “I’m your Bob” was not commanding.

“The Vagina Monologues” was controversial 10 years ago. To speak out about it now is kind of like suddenly condemning Clinton’s infidelities.

I believe colleges are supposed to promote discussion and offer up different sides to issues. Therefore, you’d think Notre Dame would be more receptive to this different point of view. Or maybe — like say people in Kansas — they like to pretend the other point of view doesn’t exist.

Right now, Kansas school boards are considering switching to abstinence-only sexual education programs, which they believe will help cut down on teen pregnancy. They believe that teaching kids to deny their urges until they marry — at which point, they will figure out that neither of them is any good at it — will lead to happier and healthier societies. After years of repression and waiting, Dick and Jane will awkwardly watch sex-ed videos meant for 15-year-olds and ultimately go on Dr. Phil, claiming that they are both gay but staying together for the kids. I feel like the American thing to do is to stand outside abstinence-only schools and distribute porn, lotion and best wishes.

I’m forever baffled by the argument against teaching about contraceptives in schools. I went to a public elementary and junior high school, and starting in fifth grade, the boys were separated and shown one video while the girls were shown another. Ours was called “Am I normal?” which featured a confused 12-year-old asking everyone in his community if his penis size was normal. The movie ended in an emotional scene involving a sensitive zookeeper telling him about the sizes of various members of the animal kingdom. So don’t get me wrong, sex ed will fuck you up.

But not teaching it is even worse.

I went to a Catholic all-boys high school for a year. Freshman year, I sat and watched as my classmates were taught sex-ed for the first time. They were taught abstinence, whereas in my public school by eighth grade, I received good marks in my condom balloon animal class. Contraceptives were not discussed in my freshman class, but then again, neither was a woman’s right to choose. The class was taught by a born-again Christian who actually believed kissing before marriage was a sin. This, sadly, I’m not exaggerating. His version of sex education revolved around guilt and repression, throwing a curtain and an “it’s sinful” over a whole part of growing up. His students, not surprisingly, had difficulty learning how to interact with women in college.

But instead of outlawing sexual education, what if we had more sex in schools? Think about it, what’s a better way to get kids interested and ready to go to school day after day? Sex. Lots of it. Teach it in every single class, not just this stupid health thing. The biology of sex. By focusing on friction issues, we have the “physics of sex.” In our language classes, we can teach kids how to pick up drunk college students in any language. Most of the time, we will teach them words that sound sexy but don’t really mean anything and will probably get you laid by stupid people. “Oh, you sound so foreign.”

Of course, then we have gym: “partner up.” It brings a whole new level of humiliation to being picked last. Let’s not forget math. “If Billy takes Jean out to dinner and pays $100, he can expect Jean to go to ____ base.” Problem solving skills our kids need.

Perhaps my solution is a bit extreme. But then again, for an educational institution to demonize or ignore sex is much worse. Maybe the students should decide how they want to be educated. Notre Dame’s president recanting an attack on “The Vagina Monologues” is a step in the right direction, or perhaps merely prevents a step backwards. Having Kansas school’s decide that kids are too stupid to be offered the choice of abstinence or protected sex is definitely a step in the wrong direction. Yet, when one is confronted by the actions of adult members of the Kansas school board, maybe their offspring really is that dumb.

Chris is curious if people think the made-up elementary school “The Vagina Monologues” image is scarier than the real-life “Am I normal?” video. Send complaints to cholt@stanford.edu.