Last week I interviewed The Chuck Norris via conference call, and though cretins from Alabama and some creepy old guy from the Hallmark Channel kept cramping my style, it was nothing short of wondrous. I miraculously grew a beard right after this interview, no joke.

INT: Outside of legally changing my name and possibly committing fraud, what could I do to grow up to be just like you?

CN: Well, I changed my name too. You know my real name is Carlos actually.

INT: Yeah...

(Awkward pause)

INT: Anyways, as a six-time undefeated World Professional Middleweight Karate Champion, did you really teach Bob Barker karate?

CN: I taught Bob for several years. He’s 82 years old, maybe 83 now, but he still trains every morning in his garage that we converted into a gym. The guy’s incredible; he’s still in incredible shape.

INT: What about his movie?

CN: Happy Gilmore, yeah. When he did that, the first thing he did was call me to find out if I’d seen the movie. And I said of course I’ve seen the movie, I had to see Bob do his karate.

INT: Wow. A lot of the college age kids look up to you as some sort of a mythical hero now because of these Chuck Norris facts on the Internet.

CN: Oh those fact things, the Chuck Norris-

INT: Yeah, yeah.

CN: Yeah...I tell you this has been quite amazing to me because I’ve been getting e-mails from Iraq and Afghanistan and the troops over there are saying that, you know, they’re making their own facts up and exchanging them from post to post.

INT: There’re some crazy facts.

CN: I tell you, there are, some of them are really, but I tell you they’re fun, some of them are funny as heck though. You know, it was first college kids and then it dropped down to the high school kids, now I’m getting e-mails from middle school kids sending me their Chuck Norris facts.

INT: Ever since Conan O’Brien started airing clips from Walker...

CN: Can you believe that?

INT: The clips he takes out of context...

CN: Did you see when I went down and did his show and I beat him up?

INT: Yeah, that was hilarious.

CN: Conan called me and says, you know, why don’t you come down here and beat me up. I said well, okay, that sounds like fun. Conan said he tried to switch it to Knight Rider but the audience started booing so he said I had to go back to Walker. But it’s like this Chuck Norris fact thing, you know.

INT: Actually I think that’s how that started.

CN: It was a kid named Ian Spector, a freshman at Brown, who started the fact thing.

INT: Right. An unrelated question: why do you think that the Bible should be taught in every public school?

CN: Well, as an elective. I’ve studied a lot of different eastern religions even though I’m still a Christian. I don’t see why people can’t do the same thing with the Bible. That doesn’t mean they have to become a Christian, if they’re not a Christian, just, you know, become familiar with it.

INT: Right...When did you first learn how to roundhouse kick?

CN: I was sent to Korea in 1960 in the military. I enrolled in a judo class on the base there and about two weeks into my training I got thrown wrong and I broke my shoulder. So I took a walk out into the Osan village just kind of sightseeing. And as I’m walking through the village, I look down and I see these Korean guys jumping and doing these incredible kicks in the air. And I says holy macarol, you know, I didn’t think the human body could do something like that. It mesmerized me.

LN: Wow. So how many people have you roundhouse kicked in your lifetime?

CN: Thousands.

INT: Thousands?

CN: Thousands, oh my gosh, think about it. I’ve done 23 movies and I’ve done 203 episodes of Walker, Texas Ranger and then 10 years of fighting in the ring so you could imagine how many roundhouse kicks I’ve thrown in that period of time. Not even counting my teachings over the last 15 years. You can put it in the high thousands.

INT: So is it true that in 1997 you were the first man ever in the western hemisphere to be awarded an eighth degree black belt?

CN: Yeah, I was the first to receive my eighth degree black belt. It was really an honor because I didn’t think the Koreans would ever let a non-Korean ever receive a Grand Master ranking.

INT: So what does being an eighth degree black belt involve, besides lots of roundhouse kicking?

CN: Nothing, that’s about it. It’s more of what you’ve done for the martial arts at that particular stage of your life.

INT: Just to clarify, could you roundhouse kick me through the phone right now?

CN: Probably. You want me to?

INT: Yes.

CN: Hiya!

(Mr. Norris then roundhouse kicked me through the phone. Ouch.)

INT: So is the roundhouse kick your favorite move of all time?

CN: It was my point getter back in the old days. When I was behind that was generally the one that I could move in on and actually score.

INT: Awesome.

CN: Actually I’ve knocked out more guys with that roundhouse kick then any other kick.

INT: Wow. So when was the last time you shaved that beard?

CN: Well I shaved it probably about five years ago but it didn’t stay off very long; I grew the beard for Lone Wolf McQuade and I just liked the look of it. My wife would really prefer I shave. But I just, I don’t know, I just like it, you know...

I’m going to go put some ice on my roundhouse kick-related wound.