Like the current war, World War I was started by a terrorist incident. Austro-Hungarian Archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife were killed after Gavrilo Principe threw a bomb into their horseless carriage while they were taking a jaunt through Serbia, which was currently languishing under their rule. Principe was a member of the Black Hand, which is probably 10 times cooler than the name of any current terrorist organization, mostly because I can understand it since the name isn’t in Arabic and since they are and have been completely uninterested in killing me.

Immediately after the incident, a swirl of popular music was released, including “The Blast That Spattered Royal Brains Around the World” and “The Damn Commies Did It”, with its chorus “Bomb The Hun”. The effect of the song is unknown, but shortly after this minor terrorist incident, a massive war started that killed 15 million people and injured 20 million more. With that short introduction, Intermission would like to present the songs of 9 / 11, with the hope that they won’t be nearly as effective.

1) “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue” by Toby Keith - To me, this song perfectly encapsulates the feeling after 9 / 11. I know that I wanted to put a boot in someone’s ass. I didn’t know who it would be, and neither does the song. In fact, the song doesn’t really even venture to name any candidates. It just gives off this general air of ass-kicking.

2) “Have You Forgotten” by Darryl Whorley - What is this guy talking about? As soon as they started showing new episodes of Friends, I instantly forgot the 24 / 7 news coverage on every channel (including the WB). This song is less successful than the above, mostly because it appears that Darryl Whorley is having a very schizophrenic argument with himself. Take this lyric for example: “And you say we shouldn’t worry about Bin Laden / Have you forgotten?” I don’t need these sorts of accusations! I’m flipping the dial.

3) “Where Were You (When The World Stopped Turning) by Alan Jackson - This song came out so fast that some speculate it was actually written before 9 / 11. Written . . . by the Jews! Or by Bush administration speechwriters. It’s hard to keep up on the conspiracies. Anyway, for Mr. Jackson’s information, if the world had stopped turning we wouldn’t be anywhere really because the kinetic energy of the atmosphere would tear us off the earth’s surface and rip us to shreds. More seriously, I was in gym class, and I was pissed because I was totally going to win that game of dodgeball! It would have been much cooler if they hadn’t alerted us and I had gone home like normal and my mom was like “Where the hell were you? The world stopped turning today!” And then I’d say, “Oh no! We’re in the midst of a six-month day! We’ll all burn to death!”

4) “The Rising” by Bruce Springsteen - I see what the Boss was trying to do, but this song is kind of a downer. I’d much rather put a boot in someone’s ass. That’s a bit more constructive than just wallowing in the fact a whole lot of people just died.

5) “Mosh,” “Holiday” and a million other songs written by “rebels” - These suffer from the same problem that most protest songs do. Why should I listen to you? You’re self-described drug users and criminals and you make a living by marketing anger and resentment. And have you ever voted, Eminem? Tell the truth now. Now if those Google guys wrote a protest song, I would listen to that. Call me reactionary, but if you’re going to tell me what to think, at least wear a tie or something.