“I don’t, personally, like men.”

“Did you know the potato was considered for many years to be a potent aphrodisiac? I suppose it’s just as well it isn’t, or else Stanford would be a hotbed of salacious activities.”

“After Reese Witherspoon breaking up, is there even such a thing as love in the world?”

“He is asking the oracle at Delphi if he can recommend a reliable dentist. As you can see, when he bares his chipped tooth, the priestess turns away in horror and disgust.”

“My great-grandfather defecated to America . . . “

“Well, you know what says something about you? You’re the daughter of a politician. And a lawyer! I’m surprised we even talk to you.”

“Yes, excuse me? I’d like to be called Jolly Rancher.”

“I need to go home now and feed my furry children.”

“OK, she’s done. Never mind, there she goes again.” *sex noises from a tape recorder duct-taped to the ceiling*

“Have you ever been in the newspaper? Those journalists, they never get it right.”

“Should I add all the people not present this morning to the ‘fate’ category? I’m sure they wouldn’t have skipped my lecture of their own free will . . . “