This article shall be devoted to a wonderful thing we call “Spam.” SPAM is manufactured by the Hormel Foods company. Since 1937, SPAM (spicy ham) has been produced for mass consumption in handy dandy little 12 ounce cans. Interestingly enough, over 6 billion cans of SPAM have been sold since its creation, and every second, another 3.6 cans enter the world. In fact, if the cans were laid end to end, they would circle the earth over 13 times.

Now you might be asking yourself, well, how did they come up with the name SPAM? This is actually a great story. Apparently, they held a contest, and the winner, Kenneth Daigneau, came up with SPAM by putting the SP from ‘spice’ and the AM from ‘ham’ together, to create the glorious name. For his efforts, he won 100 dollars! Isn’t that nifty? Spam comes in over 13 delicious flavors and is available for purchase nationwide and internationally.

With good reason, SPAM has been glorified by many famous personas, including ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic and Monty Python. SPAM is a great product, and the fact that it’s capitalized makes you sound very excited even by saying it! And aren’t you excited? Thank you, SPAM.com, for all your helpful information!

Of course, there’s also a more serious side to spam, a darker side: the world of electronic spam. Defined as “irrelevant or inappropriate messages sent on the Internet to a large number of recipients” (Oxford American Dictionary), spam plagues the email addresses of millions upon millions of web users daily. Now given this definition, you might see certain problem with defining exactly what constitutes spam. For instance, what is irrelevant? What is inappropriate? Maybe I would like to refinance my home. Maybe I would like to enlarge my penis. Maybe I would like to enlarge my home AND refinance my penis. Maybe. But not really. I already have a great APR on my member. That’s not the point though. The point is, who can say what is inappropriate or irrelevant? By this definition, many television commercials could be considered spam if they expanded the definition to include other media of information delivery, because I don’t need Rogaine. So doesn’t spam have a right to exist?

No.

Thus we enter into a dangerous, tricky, and deceitful world. As spam blockers become better and better, and anti-spam laws become harsher and more prevalent, spam has no choice but to evolve in order to survive, becoming ever sneakier, and misspelling ever more words. “Nhaence UyoR L*I*B*I*D*O!!!!!!!!!@$#$%!#%$!#^@#%$#%&%^&%$^%!#

How can we stop this threat to society? Current legislation hasn’t stopped it. Current technology can’t stop it. So what can we do? We have to stop spam at the source. That means there’s only two things we can do: 1. Vigilante justice, lynching any spammer you see. We’ll bring back the town courts, stocks, pillory, gallows, everything. And there’s a simple test to see if you’re a spammer or not. You see, spammers are actually satanic demon-creatures from the underworld. So, if a person is flammable, then clearly this person is not a spammer, because demons don’t burn. So, if you want to know if someone’s a spammer or not, just burn that person at the cross. If that person survives, he’s clearly a spammer and should be shot. If not, then well, umm… it was ok during the Spanish Inquisition?

Alright, so maybe that technique won’t be palatable to most today. Which is why we have plan 2: fight spam with spam! Let’s see how all those fucking spammers enjoy receiving such messages as “hey, check this out,” and have it link to a freakin porno! 400 times a day! Yeah! Though the odds are they probably already receive spam in such quantities, and they might actually appreciate links to porno (when you spend all your time in your mother’s basement, there’s not much else to do except watch porn. And yes, I am implying that spammers are lifeless sacks of shit with no moral value or worth. I’m judgmental, so sue me).

So I guess there’s just not much to do really. We can’t beat spam. Or can we? Maybe we can learn from SPAM. After all, SPAM brings joy to over 1.2 million Hawaiians; maybe something good can come of this. Spam has an interesting infrastructure set up. It’s able to reach millions of people already, so if we just changed the message… do you see what I’m getting at here people? Spam with SPAM! That’s right! It’s so simple. Alright, we’re going to start it off right here, right now. Send the following message out to everyone you know:

SPAM! It’s delicious! It loves you! And if you don’t forward this to everyone you know, they’ll never know how much SPAM loves them too! Get on the SPAM train! SPAM for all! Unite the world with SPAM!

Seriously, do it.