It might be going a little too far to say that Intermission is themed “Under the Sea” this week in honor of me studying abroad in Australia this quarter (specifically that I am missed), but I’m pretty sure it had more to do with “The Little Mermaid” being the Editor-in-Chief’s favorite movie, and he demanded Intermission put out a maritime-related issue. Since I have been in Australia for a month, and on the Great Barrier Reef now for a whole week, I am the resident expert on all things ocean-related. In my vast time here I have acquired quite a bit of knowledge that I will now impart upon you, dear reader. Without further ado, I give you Caley’s Australian Guide to the Sea:

1. Do not fear the sharks. There are many things in the ocean that will kill you. We had an entire lecture devoted to them. And, while sharks may be one killer, they are not the creatures you should fear the most. Box jellyfish? Waaaay more likely to sting you. And none of that wimpy-slightyly-red-irritation stinging, either. I’m talking, huge-welts-poison-you-could-die kind of stinging. From something about 1/2000th the size of a shark, too. Let’s be real: sharks don’t really want to eat you. Humans are to sharks as brussel sprouts are to five-year-olds: not tasty. They also don’t like to eat things that fight back. Just punch the shark in the nose and it will leave you alone, I promise. Punch the jellyfish? You’re waltzing into a world of pain. Think about it.

2. Underwater fashion is high fashion. I’d say wetsuits are the new black except they are actually black. You can spruce them up with colored stripes (mine is emerald green), and they do come in a variety of lengths (think about that rad knee tan you’ve always wanted!). Unfortunately, that beer belly has nowhere to hide in a wetsuit: little is left to the imagination. However, swimming out in the open ocean can be a tad bit chilly, even here in Australia, and this may be the only instance where function beats style every time. It’s not just an aquatic fashion statement, either, because anyone who said Australia was warm and that you should only pack tank tops and shorts lied. It has not been hot here. For those of us that didn’t bring a sweatshirt, the wetsuit is a viable substitute. It also adds an extra layer between you and the jellyfish, so that gets an A+ in my book.

3. Apparently you can get credit for swimming with Nemo. I’m sorry if this upsets you. Oh, no wait. I might be a little sorry if you’re reading this while working on a ridiculous problem set in Terman, but I’m probably not really thinking about you at all as I sunbathe on the white, sandy, tropical island beach in-between classes. It is a true statement that I went snorkeling on the reef this morning and took pictures of fish. For class. That was the assignment. I didn’t find Nemo, though, so the title for this segment is a little misleading. I have learned that the type of fish that Nemo is changes sexes (from male to female) when it reaches adulthood, so, according to my professor, there shouldn’t have been “any drama” in the movie regarding Nemo’s mother’s death, because Marlin should have just turned into a girl. Duh, Disney, sheesh. Get it right.

4. The ocean is pretty. Seems stupid, right? “Jeez, Caley,” you’re probably saying to yourself, “I already knew that.” And you might. I thought I did. Being here, however, has completely changed my perspective on water. Obviously people come to the reef for the coral, the colorful fish, the sharks, the rays, etc., etc., but actually seeing the water change colors from teal to aquamarine to sapphire is awe-inspiring. I definitely overlooked the actual water part of the equation, so I implore you not to do the same. In fact, go out and buy a picture of a gorgeous sea scene right now and put it over your bed so you can dream every night that you are here with us. On the beach. For reals.

5. Even coral wears sunscreen. No, seriously. And while it may be green and mucousy, it is still sunscreen. Coral produce a dark green blobby mucous that protects it from UV rays. We should all follow the coral’s example and wear sunscreen, too. Especially near water, because the light reflecting from the surface harms you, too, you know. “What mom?” you may be saying, “I can’t hear you up there on your soapbox.” To that I reply, “Cancercancercancer.” Dude, the coral also bleach instead of tan. Do you need a better metaphor? Wear sunscreen! Don’t you want to look 25 when you’re 45? “If coral jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?” is what you may be thinking. The answer to that is no