Here at Stanford, we like to be on the cutting edge. Innovative technology, global human rights movements, you name it, and Stanford students are in on the ground floor. So why are we sadly lacking when it comes to new, exciting and different places to get a little action?

With “sexile” such a common practice, not to mention a main source of hall drama, Roxy sees no further encouragement necessary to spice it up a little. Or a lot! Read on for her exclusive tour of campus, the cream of the crop of crazy places to get it on. Roxy will lead off with a few of her wetter options, in keeping with this week’s Intermission theme of “Under the Sea,” or, as Roxy much prefers, “Water Sports.”

In a fountain

You will appear to be simply enjoying a refreshing dip in one of Stanford’s many fountains, but really, behind the screen of falling water in the Hoop, you’ll be enjoying something else entirely. The best part is that you’ll already be half-naked, so you really won’t be breaking any rules.

Lake Lag

Roxy’s personal favorite is pitching a tent out there, during the dry season of course. You will be harder to catch, however, if you choose to venture out on some sort of floating object when Lag is actually filled. The water once again can provide a screen for the true nature of your innocent-looking excursion. Bon voyage.

In your dorm’s co-ed showers

Does this even require an explanation? “Meet me in the first floor showers at 5:00.” The warm water will do wonders for your skin, and people will beg to know what shampoo you use.

Cantor Arts Center

If passing through the nude statues gallery puts you in the mood, Roxy assures you you’ll blend right in! Just be sure not to move around or scream too much. Enjoy museum visitors marveling at the lifelike quality of your quivering skin.

Hoover Tower

You’ll be riding high, Roxy promises, if you choose to marvel at spectacular views a little closer your person. Especially if it’s raining, you’re likely to have the place to yourself. Be warned, the high elevation might just leave you light-headed and short of breath.

In an elevator

This is a classic. Any elevator on campus will do. Just pull the emergency stop, claim an elevator malfunction, and get down to business. Watch out for cameras.

In your dorm’s “study rooms”

This one is just too easy. Windowless rooms? With locks on the doors? And furniture? Nothing makes Roxy’s dirty mind race like such hospitable conditions. No one will ever question that you were working on math problems the whole time. Three nights in a row. The whipped cream was brain food.

In Vaden’s SHPRC

They already know you plan on having sex at some point, given that you just picked up free condoms, lube, and a dildo. Why not just dash into a bathroom and stop pretending you’re as innocent as you were freshman year, or, in Roxy’s case, in kindergarten. In a room before your doctor’s appointment works too. At least you’re being safe.

Braun’s practice rooms

One word: soundproof. And music majors get all-night access to this building. Break Roxy off a piece of that! Ever watched a sax player unwrap a Starburst with her tongue? Just remember to use a neckstrap because safe sax is key.

In the back of a 5-SURE golf cart

This might require some assistance. Ladies, have your friend distract the exhausted driver, then hike up your miniskirt, throw a leg across your partner’s lap and ride him all the way home. Don’t worry, anyone who sees you won’t remember the next morning anyway. A drive of pride sure beats the walk of shame.

Take Roxy’s words to heart, Stanford. It really is cruel to sexile your roommate during midterms, meaning just about every week of our infamous quarter system. You can still take your study break, but think outside the box. It’s a Stanford tradition.