So if you’re writing about music “Under the Sea,” there’s nowhere to start except with that song. Yeah, the one from “The Little Mermaid.” Truth be told, the fact that that song somehow became acceptable to sing in public, or that televisions were not thrown out of apartments, had the pieces disintegrated and their ears ripped off after hearing that song boggles my mind. The song starts out with a calypso beat. A calypso beat. Considering that this movie was probably made by a bunch of white people, they have no business even touching a calypso beat. Heck, the only exposure white people get to calypso music is from lobby bands at expensive Caribbean hotels. Had this steel drum riff been put on any other instrument, it may have become marginally acceptable, but the song was doomed before the vocals even came in. Oh, but that’s where the fun starts.

The first line begins, “The seaweed is always greener/In somebody else’s lake.” Are you kidding me? You take the worst possible cliché, the moral of the “Three Billy Goats Gruff” for Christ’s sake, and transpose it to the ocean. Ah yes, but this isn’t even a lake, it’s the ocean or sea. Whatever it is it is a saltwater body. Unless they’re talking about the Great Salt Lake, I don’t know what lake they could have been in.

The song continues with its obnoxious, Louie Armstrong meets Cab Calloway singing crab. Why they decided a tiny crab needed to sing like that, the world may never know. Nevertheless, the lyrics only get more bizarre. In the chorus, you can tell the crab has really been around: “Darling it’s better, down where it’s wetter take it from me” (subtract three points for the eighth grade humor). Ignoring the innuendo, I’m pretty sure that the sea remains at constant wetness. I don’t think any part of the sea is wetter than any other part. Clearly this goddamn crab needs to take a course on the principles of water. Or maybe he knows the spot to pick up some of this ultra-wet water goodness. If he does, that might not necessarily be a bad thing.

While continuing, our crab friend starts ragging on us land folks, even insinuating that what starts in our fish tanks ends up on our dinner plates. This might seem like a below-the-belt shot at the human race from our crab friend, but until you have tasted neon tetra, it is not fair to judge. This actually makes me curious which Disney writer suggested that it was a perfectly natural thing to take fish from the tank to the grill. I feel like this is a hobby in some secret society of aquarium owners. I wonder how long those dolphins at Sea World have until someone gets curious?

The redeeming factor about the crab is that he starts making shoutouts to his funk backing. The net playing the flute, the carp playing the harp (while not that funky), the bass on brass, and the fluke as the duke of soul is pretty awesome. Despite the atrocities of this song, anytime a flat fish is turned into the duke of soul, with the trout rocking out, you’ve got a pretty tight group. The duke of soul might have been miscast though, as this is a song of blind happiness. I feel like the fluke could put Muddy Waters to shame before all the money from the film inundated his lifestyle. It’s probably better, as blues are more associated with the river crowd. I wonder what these guys sounded like before they sold out to Disney. I feel like they could have been like James Brown or Parliament without the misogyny or weird spacey stuff.

Oh yeah, and Ursula was sexy.

Random note, albums that actually remind me of water:

Eluvium — Lambent Material (Ambient/Electronic)

Boards of Canada — The Campfire Headphase (Electronic)

DJ Spooky — Songs of a Dead Dreamer (Electronic)

Isis — Oceanic (Math Rock/Progressive Metal)

Mastodon — Leviathan (Metal)

Beck — Sea Change (Alternative)