Let's face it people. Stanford is downright amazing. As far as I'm concerned, we're the best damn school in the country. We have the best students, the best sports (please disregard football for the moment), the best atmosphere, the best professors -we're pretty close to perfect. True, the administration has its problems, like not giving a crap about the arts (and hopefully that's even changing), but that is for a separate scathing opinion piece. This, this is much different.

I say we're the best, but as I speak it, there's an asterisk there, a little footnote denoting a slight modification to this statement. And you may wonder, with everything so perfect, what could this possibly refer to? There's a simple answer. It's not the lack of In 'N' Out on campus. It's not that bike accidents take place everyday - in fact, I think that adds character. No, it's much simpler than that.

Hoover Tower. Hoover's last stand. Hoover's erection.

Hoover Tower has stood proudly since 1941, and many people have climbed to the top and looked out upon its magnificent view. So many smiles have been ignited by that perch high atop campus. Hoover Tower, in and of itself, is wonderful. There's no inherent problem there.

But that's where Berkeley comes into play. Fucking Berkeley. You see, ladies and gentlemen, Sather Tower (a.k.a. The Campanile), the giant clock tower on campus, built in 1914, is bigger than Hoover Tower by 22 feet. It has 61 carillon bells, which is 13 more than Hoover Tower. And it has a clock, nay, not just any clock, not just one clock, but the biggest freakin' FOUR clocks in all of California. And you know what? We can't stand for this any longer.

That's right, friends. It's time to unite. Hoover Tower has served us well as it is, but it needs to be bigger, better, bolder and, most importantly, meet the following specifications known as Project Viagra:

1. It must be at least three hundred and EIGHT feet tall.

2. It must have at least SIXTY-TWO carillon bells.

3. It must have FIVE clocks with hands measuring at least EIGHTEEN FEET each.

4. It must still look like a giant penis.

Now, what I have compiled here are the minimum requirements that would make Hoover Tower minimally superior to Sather Tower. But I mean, honestly, let's think about this. Are we really content with just being slightly superior to Berkeley? Of course we want to be superior to Berkeley, but that's not the point. We're pretty much superior to the rest of the world. Which means, that list up top needs to have the following corrections made to it:

Number one shall be amended to read, "It must be at least ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED AND SIXTY EIGHT FEET," thus beating out the title of the Taipei 101 for tallest building in the world, and finally sending the title back to America where it belongs. Also, the clause shall be added, "and must be visible from space."

Number two shall be amended to read, "It must have at least 78 bells," thus beating out the Kirk-In-The-Hills Presbyterian Church in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan for the title of largest carillon in the world. Also the clause shall be added "and must be audible from space." (Keep in mind that this will be extremely difficult, considering that sound cannot propagate in space).

Number three shall be amended to read, "It must have FIVE clocks with a diameter measuring at least FIFTY FEET," thus beating out the Flower Clock in Tehran for the title of the world's largest clock. Also the clause shall be added "and must be able to tell space-time."

Number four shall stand as is.

Finally, a fifth specification shall be added, which reads, "It must also be a giant Transformer with the ability to travel through space and space time."

By following these simple specifications, Hoover Tower will easily be the best tower in the world.

Now, some of you might call Project Viagra "Tower Envy," and you might be right, but you know what I call it? Justice.

That's right. We're Stanford University. We are well endowed with over 12 billion dollars, and I think it should be put to use on something worthwhile. Let's show the rest of the world that we are the best, and let's show it to them so they can see it from space. Don't you see? We're not compensating for anything. We don't have Freudian complexes. We're just building the largest phallic shaped object in the world because it's a wonderful idea. Let's do it for the Hoover. Let's do it for all of us.

OK? Great. Good. *Cough*PENIS*Cough.* Sorry, I have a cold. Ahem.