Dear Stanford,

College is quite possibly the best sexual experience of our lives. Never again will we have 24/7 access to ass without jobs, responsibility or sobriety keeping us from the prize. With that said, Roxy wants to know why you all aren’t getting together like rabbits (minus the multiple offspring, of course). “But Roxy,” you say, “my schedule is packed! I have classes, and meetings and morals . . . “ Newsflash: While her morals are questionable, Roxy is a student, too. And a good one at that. Here are a few suggestions for meeting your academic and extracurricular responsibilities while doing it as often (but not as well) as the one and only Miss Sass:

1. Sextra Credit

Am I the only one who sees the dirty euphemism in “TA,” the “ass” in “class” or the “sex” in “SEXtion?” Nothing screams “A plus!” like a good student-teacher relationship. Give your TA some T and A, and you’ll have a 4.0 in no time. If not, hey, at least you got another sort of “OH” out of it.

2. Clubs

What better way to meet new people and be as overachieving as you were in high school than by joining a club? Clubs are a great way to find that special someone with whom you can share a mutual love of world peace, human rights and . . . bondage. Why not reenact the violent arrests of Ejackistan in your dorm-room? Or, better yet, next to those creepy, dark statues in the Quad. You’ll fit right in with the chains and handcuffs, and can comment on how tortured they look while inflicting (or receiving) some pain of your own.

3. Study abroad

Everybody knows study abroad programs are the perfect combination of study and debauchery. (Ok, so there’s a little more debauchery than study . . . ) Roxy went abroad once. She spent a year learning Spanish, although it turned out the only words she really needed to know were si, no and cigarillo.

Considering the above three examples and the fact that the majority of us got no action in high school, there is absolutely no reason why Stanford shouldn’t be a massive sexfest. It is definitely possible to meet your academic and extracurricular responsibilities while gettin’ some sweet, sweet ass. Pick up the rhythm, y’all, and maybe we can collectively bang that big, Bay Area earthquake out of the way.

Much Lust,

Roxy

P.S. When Roxy said “getting together like rabbits,” she didn’t necessarily mean doin’ it with somebody else. Check this out: http://www.freddyandeddy.com/productreviews/jackrabbitreview.htm.