Send any flowers to yourself recently? Find yourself spending an inordinate amount of time at your TA’s office hours, just to have some one-on-one contact with the opposite sex? Feel lonely, depressed, worthless, dejected or all of the above?

Congratulations. You’re single on Valentine’s Day.

Not a holiday for the faint of heart, the “date-or-die” attitude that is usually associated with the day causes many a Stanford student to end up as Hallmark-aisle road kill.

And as for those who say there’s no dating at Stanford, look again, my friend. By Feb. 14, a campus defined by random hookups, “just friends” and Aretha Franklin-inspired mantras will have fallen victim to a national gimmick dedicated to celebrating some Christian saint’s torturous death.

While being the only person in your I-Hum class not to be serenaded by the Mendicants today may be humiliating and devastating, most of us would probably pick it over being beaten to death with clubs and having our heads chopped off, like the original Valentine.

But have no fear single lads and ladies, you’re in good company. According to the incredibly trustworthy Thefacebook.com, there are over 1,000 male and 1,000 female singletons brave enough to declare their relationship status on the Web site. On the other hand, the number of students from both sexes who are in a relationship totals only a paltry 1,152.

Safety in numbers can never be overrated. If you think that you’re the only one who can’t help but vomit every time you see those Stanford couples who hold hands even while riding their bikes, think again.

With a little organization and a lot of romantic disillusionment, all 2,000+ of us can band together as proverbial human bollards to blockade any more BWIs (Biking While Infatuated).

All kidding aside, this Valentine’s Day will most likely not make you feel at your prime, and while physical vengeance may seem like the best solution, here are ten other ways to make the most of a day that makes you feel the least:

10. Watch “Fatal Attraction.” Add stalking and murderous tendencies to the equation, and it will be hard for love not to lose some of its luster.

9. Get the Mendicants to serenade you with “One is the Loneliest Number” in the middle of your English seminar. Never underestimate pity’s influence on grade inflation.

8. Get completely decked out in Valentine’s Day attire. Non-conformist conformity is so retro.

7. Lose yourself in the glory of fermented grapes. Alone and comatose is better than alone and miserable.

6. Buy all the condoms at TresEx. If you’re not going to get any action, no one else should either.

5. Prank call the boys you liked in middle school. If they don’t answer, rest assured that they’re not out celebrating Valentine’s Day either; they’re serving time in prison.

4. Write a rant about love and have it published in The Daily. Trust me, it works.

3. Get over yourself.

2. Get over yourself.

1. Get over yourself.