If you’re a campus conservative, you’re all the rage these days. Egged on by your grown-up backers, the media is going gaga over your resurgence.

You’re cool and rebellious because you’re going against the system. Ten times as many Web pages talk about you as “campus liberals.”

In order to help you get a handle on the latest phenomenon to hit campus — you — we’ve put together a profile of the three types of campus conservatives: whiners, charismatic conservatives and hell-raisers. See which type is the best match for you.

You can read the profiles aloud and then try to guess what category your like-minded friends and neighbors are in, or make it an activity at your conservative political group meeting.

The Whiner

You feel like the system is stacked against you. From the moment you step onto campus you feel oppressed. People look at you differently. Your perspective isn’t respected in class. You have a hard time finding people like you.

You are more anti-liberal than pro-conservative. You describe the fact that the most educated, economically productive, attractive, and interesting people in our country typically arrive at the same political conclusions with two words: liberal bias.

If you get a bad grade or don’t have any friends it’s not because you need to work harder, it’s because you were treated unfairly. You think that unqualified conservatives should be given academic jobs in order to make the faculty more “representative.”

If this describes you: Your strategizing about “exposing bias” will get you nowhere. Though you think you’ll be more accepted once you get off campus, if you don’t change now you’ll never be anything more than a whiner.

You can’t start demanding sensitivity training and affirmative action and “balance” quotas as soon as you become an oppressed minority. Get over your politics and show some personal responsibility, or you’ll make a career of not being taken seriously by the people who got the job you couldn’t get, just like David Horowitz.

The Charismatic Con

You’re not a policy wonk. Your thefacebook.com, profile may list you as anything from moderate to very conservative, or may not list your political views at all. You make friends easily, and you don’t mind drinking and sex.

You’re probably going to end up with a crappy job that makes a lot of money. You’re successful at most things you try, so you’re suspicious of anything that gets in your way — including the government. You probably believe in evolution and don’t think abortion is murder.

If this describes you: The Republican Party is an alliance of libertarians, tycoons, hawks, evangelicals and bigots. You libertarians are being taken for a ride.

Instead of running for president of your frat or sorority, think about getting involved in something more political. If you can’t stomach the whiny conservatives, find a group dominated by the third category, and lend your social skills to make it successful.

The Hell-raiser

You love the challenge of being on a college campus. You unapologetically oppose affirmative action, think taxation is theft, and / or blame the hippies for losing the war in Vietnam. You are hawkish and patriotic. You know most campus liberals don’t have the facts to support their arguments and relish the chance to point it out to them.

Although you may be very conservative, you are pragmatic in your stances. You don’t follow the party line, but still manage to piss people off with every sentence. You know that you won’t convert most people to conservatism, but still think it’s a good thing for people to question their preconceptions. You believe in debate.

You favor clever, innovative ways to attract attention. You don’t think “Hey hey, ho ho, Social Security has got to go” is a good slogan, and anyway you wouldn’t feel natural chanting slogans at a campus rally — or a rally anywhere.

You go for elegance, particularly the sort of elegance that rattles the administration, becomes a national news story and maybe results in a ton of donations to your group. You admire the Dartmouth Bestiality Society and whoever thought of affirmative action bake sales.

If this describes you: You are the reason your party is doing so well. Young far-lefties could learn a lot from you. But race baiting is getting old. Move on to national security. Figure out some elegant way to expose the U.N. or something.

Kai Stinchcombe is a doctoral student in political science and was once a voting delegate to the College Republican State Convention in Colorado. E-mail him at kstinch@stanford.edu.